His name is Love

Yesterday I stood beside a bride as she gave her vows. She has lived her whole life as a sacrifice, and every decision of hers in her wedding plans has been for the love of all the ones she holds dear. She said it was for him or for her and it was for her marriage and her husband and for her brother that she did this or that. The whole day was richly blessed and beautiful. She wanted me to share that day with her. The warmth of that will stay with me forever. The honor to stand with her, my friend, on her special day, has given me strength. Such people come into our lives because of God who is the master guide and captain of our ships. He places some one there beside you to lift you and strengthen you in just the time you need it. He cares about the details and knows with intimacy our individual needs. He is the creator of all things and his name is Love.

Leaning on the Wall

Sunday and I stayed in bed and did not go to Church. I’m on my second cup of coffee. Church is starting and I am not there. I am trying to figure out how I feel. I feel weak. As though I lost. It’s over and I did not do anything. Yet I lost. That feeling of loss overwhelms me. It takes my breath and makes it small, shallow. It has taken the vim and the vinegar away from me. I do not hurt. I just am not.

I dress as if there is leisure only to be had. In a shirt too large though last time I tried it it was too small. So I put it on and I am tiny in it. I consider taking it off because it is now too big. But it is a lovely shirt. Covered in little pink flowers all shades of pink, surrounded by olive green stems and little leaves on a black background. I put on my dark blue jean capris. They are brand new, size 12 and fit me perfectly. I love them and that they are a size 12 and fit me like this.

I woke at 10 because Mark took care of everything for me. He did my morning chores and then he left. He wanted to let me sleep in. I feel the cliff of tears beside me but I don’t step over there for fear of falling. Yet I know how close they are. They are not the tears of shame because if they were I would willingly fall off and cry it out and let my Lord rescue me and place me on new solid beautiful ground. I would do that if they were. But they are the tears of loss. To fall over that cliff again would be to undo all the progress I’ve made. It would mean learning to walk again. So this year on this my greatest day of sorrow I must not step over the cliff of tears. Close it is but I walk straight. I keep my chin straight up and high and I feel the tears and acknowledge them.  I have learned to lean the other way on the wall you cannot see, but I can feel. On the arms that carry me through from day to day. Against the shoulder which is strong and sure and on which I can lay my head to rest. I feel the weakness surround me and as it grows thick again I lean further towards that arm of strength and depend on it’s mercy for this day. I feel a loneliness that rises from who I am and from where I’ve come. It is in my muscles and my bones. It is a loneliness that has led me to that one who strengthens me, who holds me up from day to day, who is in my heart and who’s blood mingles with mine in sorrow and in joy.  On that wall I lean.

A lifting of your chin

When someone dies,
they are right there near you in another dimension. 
You can't see them or feel them.
But when you feel a little courage and a lifting of your chin,
that is them with their finger,
lifting your chin which was drooping.
Whispering into your ear.
Giving you a good idea.
Giving you courage to go on.

Growing Through God's Word