His name is Love

Yesterday I stood beside a bride as she gave her vows. She has lived her whole life as a sacrifice, and every decision of hers in her wedding plans has been for the love of all the ones she holds dear. She said it was for him or for her and it was for her marriage and her husband and for her brother that she did this or that. The whole day was richly blessed and beautiful. She wanted me to share that day with her. The warmth of that will stay with me forever. The honor to stand with her, my friend, on her special day, has given me strength. Such people come into our lives because of God who is the master guide and captain of our ships. He places some one there beside you to lift you and strengthen you in just the time you need it. He cares about the details and knows with intimacy our individual needs. He is the creator of all things and his name is Love.

Leaning on the Wall

Sunday and I stayed in bed and did not go to Church. I’m on my second cup of coffee. Church is starting and I am not there. I am trying to figure out how I feel. I feel weak. As though I lost. It’s over and I did not do anything. Yet I lost. That feeling of loss overwhelms me. It takes my breath and makes it small, shallow. It has taken the vim and the vinegar away from me. I do not hurt. I just am not.

I dress as if there is leisure only to be had. In a shirt too large though last time I tried it it was too small. So I put it on and I am tiny in it. I consider taking it off because it is now too big. But it is a lovely shirt. Covered in little pink flowers all shades of pink, surrounded by olive green stems and little leaves on a black background. I put on my dark blue jean capris. They are brand new, size 12 and fit me perfectly. I love them and that they are a size 12 and fit me like this.

I woke at 10 because Mark took care of everything for me. He did my morning chores and then he left. He wanted to let me sleep in. I feel the cliff of tears beside me but I don’t step over there for fear of falling. Yet I know how close they are. They are not the tears of shame because if they were I would willingly fall off and cry it out and let my Lord rescue me and place me on new solid beautiful ground. I would do that if they were. But they are the tears of loss. To fall over that cliff again would be to undo all the progress I’ve made. It would mean learning to walk again. So this year on this my greatest day of sorrow I must not step over the cliff of tears. Close it is but I walk straight. I keep my chin straight up and high and I feel the tears and acknowledge them.  I have learned to lean the other way on the wall you cannot see, but I can feel. On the arms that carry me through from day to day. Against the shoulder which is strong and sure and on which I can lay my head to rest. I feel the weakness surround me and as it grows thick again I lean further towards that arm of strength and depend on it’s mercy for this day. I feel a loneliness that rises from who I am and from where I’ve come. It is in my muscles and my bones. It is a loneliness that has led me to that one who strengthens me, who holds me up from day to day, who is in my heart and who’s blood mingles with mine in sorrow and in joy.  On that wall I lean.

A lifting of your chin

When someone dies,
they are right there near you in another dimension. 
You can't see them or feel them.
But when you feel a little courage and a lifting of your chin,
that is them with their finger,
lifting your chin which was drooping.
Whispering into your ear.
Giving you a good idea.
Giving you courage to go on.

Growing Through God's Word

Blessings

It’s Wednesday. What’s different about Wednesdays is that we get milk. We go to the farm for our milk. We take our glass bottles back and get new milk in clean glass bottles. It is a good experience. That is what is different about Wednesdays. I am thankful for the milk it is a blessing to have milk fresh from the cow. Not very many farmers offer it and it is against the law to sell it. The only way you can get it is if you invest in the farm.

I am going to learn to be more specific about my blessings. Blessings are those things that are in my life that are a help and benefit to us. The good things. We all have negative things but sometimes the negative are really only very small compared to the amount of blessings yet we tend to focus on the negative so that it seems incredibly huge.

God wants us to look at all the good around us. The reason he did mighty things for the Hebrews in the early years of their existence was so that they could remember how good He is, and how much He loves them, when they came into hardships again. We all have hardships. No one is exempt from them, some have more hardships than others, yet the blessings we have always outweigh the hardships if we would only open our eyes and take the time to look. 

 It can be helpful to list the blessings and write them down. It’s when I decide to do that that I realize how little I have noticed, and how hard it is to think beyond the same few things. It is like the saying goes, ‘You don’t know how good you have it until it’s been taken away from you.’ Still we don’t know how good we have it. Really. All around me is beauty, little pieces of beauty, big pieces of beauty.

Timothy said, “with food and clothing let us be content.”  1 Timothy 6:8.  That really breaks it down. Sometimes we want more than that and rightly so. When my daughter was in hospice and I went to live her last few days there with her, I didn’t care much about the clothing or the food. All I wanted to do was stop this train from wrecking. I just wanted to wake up and it was only a very long nightmare. Even then, I was surrounded by blessings. People coming from everywhere, even from other countries to bless her last moments, sing to her and kiss her. A restaurant came and cooked a meal for her there at the hospice. Served the meal as though for a queen with fine china and beautiful glasses. Flowers filled her room and people had to be managed to give everyone a chance to see her. She was so happy she barely knew she was dying, though she was in a lot of pain. She praised God constantly. Others came with money and gifts to help make us comfortable. Her boss for whom she had worked only a short time made sure that she was covered financially and helped to meet her spiritual needs as well. So even in the deepest of hardships we found many blessings, like ointment on a wound. Like salve on tired, dry skin, we were blessed beyond our expectations. And yet I still feel stingy when attempting to name the blessings of my ordinary life. As though such a thing would be a waste of time. As though it doesn’t need to be confirmed.

Recently, the pastor delivered a sermon about the power in a name. He explained how giving something a name gives it a new dimension and power. Take cancer for example. Once our unwellness is given the name ‘cancer’ it begins to take on a new meaning for us and it changes the way we relate to everything around us. In this way I want to name my blessings and take the time to give them meaning to my life and power to fill me with joy and awe. There is power in a word, in a name. I want to spend the rest of my days naming the blessings around me. Giving them power to change my view.

Thank you for reading this. I hope that you too can see the many, many blessings around you. If you care to, name a blessing, and leave it in the comments. That can help someone else to recognize the blessings in their life as well.

One of my daughters favorite songs was, “the Blessings” by Alabama.

To read the lyrics and listen, click on this link.

http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-blessings-lyrics-alabama.html

The Power of Words - A Manifesto

My husband says it is really quite easy. He says that I think we should all be happy and eat real food. But this needs to be longer. It needs to be 500 words.

I am a doer. I don’t just think that we should eat real food, I make sure that we do. I plant a garden and buy a greenhouse, chickens and garden equipment. I plant herbs and buy a dehydrator. The house is filled with canning jars. We go to farms to source some of our food and speak with farmers. I am dedicated to this. Why? Because putting our nourishment into the hands of a few corporations who have no interest in our health is a dangerous thing to do. I’m taking responsibility for our nourishment and the consequent health of my family. I call it ‘living outside the box’.

I also feel a responsibility to nurture the gifts which have been placed inside of us by God who lives inside all creation. We all have gifts. I am tempted to bury my gifts, because I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of confrontation. My journals and drawings stayed hidden for years in a closet, while I waited for the perfect time to begin to use my gifts. I will never be truly happy that way. The perfect time is not later but now. I was made to let my light shine. One day I dug out all my past works and began to go through them and admire them. I knew by the way giving myself the allowance and permission to enjoy my gifts made me feel, that my life would change.

Gifts will not grow and expand and be any use to anyone unless they are used and developed. Who told the great people of the past to do the things they did? Even today, people rise up to make a difference. They do what they must do to share the gifts they have been given. To help the needs they see. Lifting a burden, easing a load. Bringing joy to despair. Courage to fear and doubt. Beauty for inspiration. They do not wait for permission or acceptance. I’m encouraging you to use your gifts and to do the hard things. Read and share what others are doing and how they are growing in the use of their gifts. Find resources and (free) lessons on the internet. Share. Encourage each other. Gradually, confidence will come. Skill will form through practice, patience and diligence. Do the hard thing.

I sit in the dirt for hours on a sunny day pulling out weeds. I get up a couple of hours earlier than the sun each day, to write, pray and read. I keep my brushes wet and my inks ready, learning illustration. Doing whatever is needed to develop the gifts already given, because the world needs us. The world needs more beauty. The world needs what we have to give. No one is coming along to give me the opportunity. We have to make opportunity happen. My work is about people doing things, using words carefully chosen, taking initiative, overcoming, and integrity. 

I don’t know where my gifts will take me, or which direction they will go. Will I write many books or just the one?   Will I be a children’s book author and illustrator, with books coming out every year or will I just have the one?  Will I help others succeed?   Will I through my gifts make someone’s life better in some way?   I don’t know, but I believe in the power of words.   Spoken, written, thought.

Mining My Muse

     I didn’t get straight to writing today because I did the big ‘no-no’ and went straight to face-book. It is a big mistake to do that because I only have so much time and no more but it was great and now it is time to go do the chores and I don’t even have a hundred words written down. I will write, but it is never the same and my muse will think I am supposed to be writing later in the morning than earlier.
     I was getting up at six and writing but now I am getting up closer to seven and reading first and praying and then writing which would have been ok if I had not checked face-book first. On one note, it does feel a little bit good to have been somewhat bad. Though my badness will only hurt my writing career. It isn’t really a career but a passion.
     My writing passion needs to be a discipline just like reading the Bible first in the morning is becoming a discipline. Disciplines grow if adhered to and they tend to spill over into the rest of the day. But if you fudge on the discipline it could fail and become a whimsy. Something you do ‘when’ you feel like it and then eventually, ‘if’ you feel like it. Your life soon becomes a whimsy life which sounds romantic and all but it is really hard to get anything of any size and value accomplished in that fashion. You are relying on feelings and they may not appear and what will happen is; you will begin to manifest symptoms of a victim life. Your gift will be stifled by circumstances and not set free by discipline.
     It seems as though discipline would be more binding but it just depends on what you want to accomplish. If you don’t really want to accomplish anything then whimsy will work for you. But if you have a desire to accomplish something requiring skill and commitment then you will need discipline to get it done. Your writing will only grow in skill by regular use. You will meet with your muse at certain times and in certain manners. It will be a time and a place where you tap into the fountain of ideas, the flood of story, of talent that you alone have.
     You can not expect to be more if you are not more or you are not willing to do more or be more. You can dabble in dibbles and dobbles but you will be a dabbler. True accomplishment comes from commitment, consistency and drive, skill comes from practice and time. Getting out of bed earlier and meeting your keyboard early and giving it all you’ve got before the day starts calling you. My day is calling me now because the sun is rising and the livestock are eager to live this day to the fullest. To be let out of their coops and pens and to race to be the first one to get to the best spot for scratching and pecking. Am I so eager each day to be let out of bed to get to the best spot for mining my muse?

New Year Thing

I’m a bit down. This new year thing has gotten me down. I wasn’t sure that it would but it has. I’m burying my grief. I’m trying to cover it up. I’m hiding inside of me the truth that I bear everyday. In the daytime I keep it together for the others but in the mornings in my private time I focus on other things. I feel this weight weighing me down. Pushing me down. So I can’t be grateful. Grateful. I was going to do a gratefulness every day but I can’t. It is really hard. It’s not that I’m not grateful. I truly am. I can’t get beyond the silence. The loneliness. The living without you. I know, I know. They say you are all around me. But I just want to see you come so elegantly through the back door and stand so tall in my doorway, calling out to me with your waterfall voice. That’s what I want. I want that so badly. I want to observe your long thin fingers and see that engaging smile interested in everything I do and making plans together for spring. It’s hard that it’s going to be another year without you. It just starts coming out in my typing and I don't plan it. I was going to write gratitudes but it's not happening. I can't see you nor hear you nor feel your touch, my beautiful daughter, and it's a new year again, and it's not better, it's worse.

Freedom is Liberating

Freedom is liberating.
It’s true.
So many things don’t matter any more
since Jesus set me free.
I don’t care about the small stuff
like I used to,
I just want to love the people.
I want them to shine.
I want to help them have a good day.
Freedom is so liberating.

I am not the tail, but the head.

Deuteronomy 28:13

And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath…

Beautiful scripture.

Desire of the Lord.

His will.

We should not be beneath,

oppressed,

beaten down,

but above.

Not over others

oppressing them.

But above the place of the oppressed.

Not down

making it convenient for the oppressor,

above that.

Up

by the head,

no,

the actual head.

We are the head,

thinking,

reasoning,

learning,

leading,

kind.

Feeding our intellect.

Not smashed,

put low.

Not obedient,

mild.

Strong and leading.

The tail does not think,

but shows feeling.

The expression of the body.

The head influences health,

wealth,

character.

We are more than tails.

We are heads.

Fully aware,

responsible.

Some may want us to bow down,

living in fear

and contrition.

Not the Lord.

Not His will.

We have everything we need,

for life and god likeness.

Like gods,

creative,

we motivate,

lead.

His will.

Take it, use it.

No more tails are we

but whole.

Using our gifts,

we think.

Not joining a mindless culture,

gratifying the whims of society,

feeding the belly

with brightly colored, tasty poison.

We have knowledge.

We know what is good,

keeping our minds active, alive.

Being the head.

Thinking:

is it good for me?

Will it make me strong?

Will it be healing?

Will it be nourishing?

Questioning all,

what I eat,

where I go,

who are my friends,

what shall I learn,

how can I help,

is there more that I can be?

The will of the Lord

for us who want it.

For us who say;

I am not the tail,

but the head.

Day 5 of the 500 words 30 days: A day I will never forget.

Today’s lesson is about describing a day I will never forget. Do it as a free write in my morning pages and early. I am early, not as early as some days but it is still early and I’m alone, awake in the house. Mark is at work and Chloe is sleeping. I am thinking hard and quickly while I type for that one memorable day. I feel my mind wants to write about grief but I don’t feel ready yet. But when can I be safe to talk about these things? My life began on that day. From that moment all time became arranged by before that date or after that date. Before that day is still important. We all lived back then. We grew and struggled and loved and fought. We were sick and we got well. We had a vibrant full and precarious life back then. But that day changed it all for us since now we had to know what it was like to lose one of ourselves to cancer. It began in the early hours of the night as I lay on her, holding onto her wax like form. Something in me died as well. The pain came out of my mouth. Months and years of holding onto my emotions came out. She was as beautiful in death as she had been in life. But then here was her body finished, worn out broken and spent. Taken off and left behind like a garment. This body that I had cared for and cherished. I lay on top of her now that she was finished with it and had gone where I could not follow. Oh, how I longed to go with her. Or I could take her place and then she could continue to live and be the life of the party. Keeping her siblings in order and being the brightness in the lives of her friends. I left her there. Her husband was waiting for me to leave him alone with her. He was broken. I thought I knew a lot about things until this moment. He said he would take care of things. The others were waiting to take me home where I could sleep. For them it was over now and they were all exhausted. The trance had begun. I don’t know how to explain it but there was nothing on my inside. I was moving and talking but I was gone on the inside. Nothing could have prepared me for this just as nothing can really prepare us for the joy at new life. And it is very hard to describe the insides when you look at that little one, so fragile and so helpless yet so alive, in your arms. That ability to create a whole new human is beyond spiritual. The loss of that one no matter how many years later is unquestionably the most difficult challenge of all. Yet it isn’t a challenge. That was not the right word. It is task. No it’s not a task either. Event. Thing that happened to me. Well actually it happened to her, my beautiful daughter. But it also happened to me because a piece of me died with her. With every child born is a new creation inside of me. A new part who now loves this one and nurtures and hopes and teaches and cherishes. The physical care and the emotional care. All of it becomes a part of who I am. Like an island in the soul of Riley in the movie “Inside Out”. Each of my children are an island, a part of me. Yet not so fragile as the islands in Riley. Much more permanent than that. Each of my children have a whole section of my control room. The switchboard belongs to them. It is what connects us together. As the child grows that part of the switchboard changes and each change is painful and challenging. Then one dies. And that part of the switchboard is now silent. That silence fills my head. Fills my soul as though it were the only switchboard in the control room. All the other boards have become dim and my attention is riveted on the silence. It is as though I don’t exist. I don’t know how to walk or eat or when to sleep. How to do all the things I ever did. I turn my back to the rest of the room and wait for the silence to end. I take tons of pictures. I post them to her face book page and read and reread her emails to me. I want to set her up on the walls of my house but I’m becoming weak and my joints ache. I can’t dress properly or even take my showers. I can’t go into the store to buy food or all the other places I used to go. When I see another human my mouth opens and her life comes gushing out. How wonderful she was, how courageous, how beautiful and smart. I slept the rest of that day until late afternoon. The struggle for Debbie is over. She is safe in her eternal place. I came downstairs and the place was full of people. My children, my friends, my in-laws. Friends had come and set up a table covered with food. I could not eat. My mother came escorted by the local sheriff. My mother is in her eighties so we were concerned. I went down the driveway to see what was going on. She was in tears. She was so small and lonely looking. The sheriff had found her to deliver to her the most difficult news she had received yet. My father died that day in New York. In a car accident not his fault. He had been hit when a car did not stop at a stop sign. He was going home to Canada. He was in his eighties. He had brought her to the airport in New York so that she could be here with me. The details pressed into my head but the room was taken up with the silence and I had no room for more. But my mother needed me. My brother, who was with us, and I helped my mother make arrangements and get on a plane to go back to her home where my sister is. She looked at me before she left. I knew it would be the last time I would see her. “I have to bury my daughter,” I said. “You have to go and take care of Dad.” She wanted to stay but knew that she had to go. And so the darkness settled in over me. The darkness of taking care of the things in front of me while the inside is completely silent. This darkness settled in. Yet, after nearly five years the light has begun to shine again for me. I am writing my way through. Finding healing in the little things.

Gratitude - 7 My Writing Teachers

I'm grateful for my writing teachers.  No, I'm not in school, although at times it seems so.  I still have teachers.  Teachers are those who instruct me whether they know it or not.  I have taken online college courses and may consider that again someday, but for now my training is informal to say it best.  There is Kristi Holl and her emails and blog posts and the work she does with the Institute of Children's Literature.  There is Preslaysa Williams whom I follow on her blog and face book page.  Then there is Jeff Goins who provides so much that you have to choose by priority.  There are numerous authors on face-book and blogs.  There are community events and author meets locally.  Not to mention actual books to read.  All of these hold the standard high for me.  Then there are my dear friends and family who tirelessly boost my self-esteem.  My writing group is right in there as well.  Where would I be without all these teachers?  Just today I read about the attitude of an apprentice being that of humility, the hard work of the journeyman and the high standards of the Masters.  Then I read another article about the balance between contentment with where I'm at and striving to grow.  This all leads me to say that I'm grateful for my writing teachers and that it can only go up from here.  It doesn't matter that I have so little formal education now because in the world we live in we have access to as many teachers as we want as long as we have the desire to learn.  So for now I am content in the position of apprentice and I'm grateful for all those who give so much to my instruction.

Gratitude - Day 6 I'm grateful for my washing machine.

I'm grateful for my washing machine.  Today I'm cooking blueberry pancakes while my washing machine is washing the light colored clothes.  It has prominent sounds of humming and whirring and of running water and splishy splashy water.  It sings as I turn the pancakes, pour the batter and dot them with blueberries.  I know by the sounds where it is in it's cycle.  It takes about as long to do it's job as it takes me to cook these pancakes up.

It hasn't always been this easy to wash clothes.  For most of history clothes were washed outdoors in rivers and lakes, in the warm months, and only if soiled.  In the winter, socks and undergarments were washed and hung around the stove or fireplace to dry.  Poor folks washed clothes in the evening and hung them to dry by morning.  They were washed by hand in a small amount of water.  Scrubbed together between knuckles.  Some women had wash boards and special tubs also used for bathing.

I wished for a wash board once.  Getting laundry washed for four lively little children was a daunting task even with a washing machine.  When the machine broke I tried to wash the clothes in the bath tub.  After a few loads my knuckles were sore and cracked.  Their weren't quarters at that time for the laundromat.

Most of us have been there, stepping back into the past temporarily just to get a job done.  Getting a few clothes washed this way gave me an understanding of why children could be in trouble for soiling their clothes.

When there were quarters for the laundromat, we filled the trash can with clothes and detergent and wheeled it down the street to go and get the job done.  Though I was grateful for the quarters and the laundromat at that time, I am even more grateful today for my washing machine.

500 Words 31-days - Day 1

This is a challenge to write 500 words per day for 30 days. Now I know that I don’t actually need a challenge to write 500 words per day, so that is not why I’m interested in this. I’m writing a lot more than that each day because I love sitting here at my computer typing whatever comes to my fingers. So what I’m really interested in getting out of this is the education. I have the habit of writing, now I want the training. I’m looking at this course as a type of training in channeling my writing. Training for my mind. Training in subject writing. Pushing me a little further with each day. I may not do the days consecutively because I already have a pretty full schedule but I will work consistently on this. It will be like those art challenges where you have to draw, sketch, paint etc, a certain thing each day. It is meant to get you drawing and challenge you to go outside of your comfort level. So this is why I am starting the 500 words 30 days challenge.

I will be doing several things now. I am working daily on my Elsie book. Forging ahead with the illustrations. I am also working on a gratitude journal which I’m including in my blog. I am working on the Intentional Blogging course, also by Jeff Goins. I am looking at a monthly drawing challenge as well. This is all on top of homemaking, homeschooling and life. So I like to cram it in. I am living a colorful life no matter what it feels like. Sometimes I look around me and the colors have all blended together into one grayish brown mess and I feel weighed down by the lack of color. I see colors more vibrantly in others lives. Yet I think that may all be an illusion. Because really, I’m writing a book and illustrating another and doing several little challenges and all the other fun stuff, if that’s not colorful then I don’t know what is. I think it may be the discipline required and the long lonely hard working days invested in these projects that makes it feel that way. Or maybe it’s just the dust covering everything. One girl just can’t do everything. I did forget to mention that during school days I am working on a self course in calligraphy. It has really helped me in the self control of my hand. I’m really pleased with my progress and will continue to pursue that craft as I can only see it as a benefit.

So this is day one of the 500 words challenge with Jeff Goins.

I’m not on the same day as everyone else who is on this course but that does not bother me. One thing I have learned over the last few chapters of my life is to not cheat myself out of sleep. Sleep is the reason I am well and my mind functions. So I don’t work into the night. I go to bed at 9:30 pm and get up at 6 am. All my work has to happen between 6 am and 9:00 pm. Notice the half hour for getting ready and stuff. You can follow me on this 500 word challenge if you want to. You can also sign up for it yourself. I am including the link. http://goinswriter.com/my500words/ Either way you can leave me a comment below to let me know how you are doing. Follow along on Facebook as well if you like.

There are currently 2293 other Bloggers in this challenge.

http://my500words.com/participants/

Gratitude Day 5

January 1st, 2016.
Today I'm grateful for my computer.  More specifically Skype, Facebook, Messenger and now I have Instagram.  I used to feel isolated from my family.  I lived far away from everyone and much of the time I didn't have a phone.  By far away, I mean that I was in a different country from the rest of my family.  Even after my youngest brother moved to the States, he still lived a few states West of me.  Spending time together meant travel to far away places which takes a lot of time and money.  Now my children have homes of their own and children of their own and some live clear across the country, yet I feel close to them because of instruments such as Skype, Messenger, Facebook and Instagram.  Every day I can have some contact with my children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces and nephews.  I'm grateful for that.  Reaching out to each other and being there is so much easier now.  I don't feel isolated any more, I feel very much connected.

New Year, New Day, New Month. Resolutions

 People make new resolutions for the new year but it is not really any different from any other day. You wake up and do what you do. If you didn’t do it yesterday then you probably won’t do it today. You should probably make a resolution at a completely different time of year and see if it sticks. What I find works the best is if I want to make a change in my routine, then I make that change and challenge myself for a month or so and see if the habit sticks. If it is a good thing then it will usually take hold and stay with me. But if it is not a good thing, for example, it may not be feasible or too exhausting. You will know soon enough and then you can modify the change. You have to keep your life doable, or manageable.

If you want to lose weight, and many people do, really, then you can’t approach that like a resolution. Weight gain is not a fault or something, it’s a health issue. People feel guilty about their weight as though they did something bad to get it. Like carrying around a bad note. You think you’ll just have to put it down. Quitting smoking can’t be resoluted away either. It comes from a mental capacity and so does weight loss. One has to change their whole understanding about themselves and the health of their body in order to lose weight and stay healthy and also to quit smoking. This is why New Years resolutions don’t work and neither do diets.

One thing that helps is to make a change, any change, for the better at any time. Not on a certain day. It could be on a Tuesday, or a fourteenth or twenty-first, or a month in the middle of the year. You aren’t going to get any attention for it. Anytime you decide to change who you are you are going to go through all the pains of becoming someone else. You can’t resolve to be someone else. You are you and you are the sum of your habits and thoughts. They form you and become you. You can decide that in the new year, I’m going to eat less, quit smoking, write more, keep the house cleaner, lose weight and walk more and be someone I would really like to be. Some one else, not me. Definitely not me. Me is all mixed up and overweight and lazy and tired. And I don’t want to be that someone that I am. But I don’t want to change anything really. I’m not going to get up earlier and walk everyday and do yoga and extras. I just want the personality change without the hard work or the effort. That’s what I want and I’m going to do it on New Years day. That’s when I’m going to start being someone else. I’m not going to change any habits really. I’m just going to claim the fame of change. But no, I’m not giving up anything. I’m going to be me and do everything I already do and eat what I want and tell the world that I have resolutions. I’ll tell you this. If you don’t do it on any other day then why would you do it on the most difficult day of the year.

New Years is one of the most difficult days because you aren’t on schedule. You are tired from staying up past midnight and possibly even hung over. Your house is probably a disaster from the holidays and now you want to start some thing new. Maybe you’ll spend the day moving that tired hung over body around washing dishes and picking up trash if you even manage to get out of bed. You will probably break every resolution before the day is over. So I would suggest that if you want to change something about yourself then you better take one little step at a time and change the thoughts that produced the result that you’re hoping to change. 

 Maybe unhappy negative thoughts produced a bad feeling about yourself that resulted in negative outcomes. Like being overweight, tiredness or smoking. Maybe these things have gotten the way they are because you talk badly to yourself. You just may want to change that first. Let everything else go for now and start changing the way you think about yourself. Start entertaining hopeful thoughts and positive feelings about you. Take sides against the voice inside of you the pushes you down and condemns you and sneers at you. That voice that negates your feelings. Who knows where that voice came from but it hasn’t helped you be where you want to be in life. No, because now you are at New Years Day and you wish you were different than you are. So just decide today, what ever day it is. To think nice, good, comforting thoughts about yourself. If there is something you really need to change about yourself you will find the courage from a perspective of kindness toward yourself. You will get the strength to make different choices about what you do with your body and what you put in your body when you entertain healing, hopeful and helpful thoughts.

If you can’t manage to change your thoughts then talk to yourself out loud. Talk kindly and comfortingly. Don’t lay expectations and guilt onto yourself and ruin that great opportunity you have to be the best version of yourself. From those thoughts will come all the changes you so greatly desire. But they will come gradually and surely. Your thoughts will be your change. Love your self and you will become lovely.