Shortcomings

This is from a daily writing exercise, One Thousand words a day. This article is 1,077 words.  It was a lot of fun to write and went very quickly.

It seems inevitable that I should write about my shortcomings. After all, isn’t the best writing truthful? We all have them. We try to fudge around them, over them, under them. We try to act like we are the only one ever to not have them and shame on anyone for exposing them. We read a lot lately about not noticing them. Looking beyond and believing something other than the truth about ourselves. I don’t think that looking at our shortcomings realistically and truthfully is the same as beating ourselves up. It is not the same as calling ourselves bad names and filling ourselves up with self-doubt. It is not the same thing at all. My shortcomings are mine. It is partly what makes me who I am. It is only considered a shortcoming because I have a higher, nobler goal for myself. I would like to imagine that I am something that I am not. But being honest about myself and the way I react to stuff is the first part it would seem in embracing who I am. If I truly understand my shortcomings and weaknesses then I can set myself up differently to compensate for it. If I am aware of myself then I can be more respectful of me. Before I can be respectful of who I am I really should meet myself. ‘Hello, how do you do?’ ‘Hello back, I don’t do well with changes to my schedule.’ Wow, there it is. I said it to my self. I also don’t do well with upheavals in my space. I also forget what’s going on, what time of day it is, what my tasks are and how important I am to the nourishment of other folk living with me. Good job we don’t speak to each other that way. I do share my shortcomings with my spouse on occasion. Usually the answer is something like, ‘tell me something I don’t know.’ So my spouse knows me pretty well. Better than I know myself I suppose. I always lived in a fantasy world about myself. It wasn’t a great idea but I didn’t realize that I was doing it. If you don’t really know who you are then you can’t help others to be considerate of you either. If you know that you don’t do well with changes then you can tell someone else that you aren’t ready for this or that change yet. You can figure out your role in the new changes and give them the green light when you are ready. If you get distracted easily, like I do, then you can make a list and let someone else know you are following a list. There are lots of ways that being real or truthful with yourself can help you. If you think you don’t need a list when really you do and you go about doing a little of this and a little of that and you are busy all day long and really tired at the end of the day but can’t remember what you did all day to get that way then maybe you really do need a list. That way you can look at it and tell yourself you are awesome. Tired and worn out, but totally awesome. Even if only one thing got crossed off that list you know you did something that day. Not that you should have to do anything at all, but you are tired and worn out so it’s nice to know how you got that way. If too many things need to be done at once and they are all pressing that’s hard for me. It’s on days like that I start going around in circles. Sometimes I want someone to say, ‘hey, do this now!’ I wouldn’t actually want anyone to. I don’t have a job. I don’t actually have a boss, so I wouldn’t want my spouse to say that to me in that way. He might try saying, ‘what are you working on right now?’ that might prompt me to check my list and find out what I am doing. If at the end of the day I really didn’t accomplish anything. I didn’t feed my family. I didn’t finish the laundry. That happened to me yesterday. I forgot that I was washing the dish towels and tablecloths and that I was going to hang them on the line. It was a perfect day for that. I forgot. I get excited about something and then I forget what I’m doing. So I went to the garden and worked out there for hours. On the way back to the house I thought about the dish towels and hanging them on the line. It was still early enough for them to dry. But by the time I got to the house I had completely forgotten and this job was not written on my list. If this stuff happens to you, don’t beat yourself up. It really is not the way to help yourself. Most shortcomings are not crucial. I can laugh about the poor rags in the washer and how I made them spend the night. I can turn the whole thing into a non-fiction short story. Maybe even a comedy. That would be great. It could even be a writing prompt. It is a little different with children. I mean when I forget to feed them. It gets a little awkward and I’m hoping they survive. I quickly peel bananas and cut up apples and wash some grapes. Then I’m reheating some homemade chicken noodle soup and frying up the mashed potatoes hoping that they will survive an hour or two of starvation. I do have to say something apologetic to them. Something like, ‘oh my gosh, look at the time, I am so sorry, I forgot to feed you.’ Being careful to respect their weaknesses now. Most kids don’t do too well with starvation. They get crazy you know. They don’t actually know what the problem is. They know something is not right with them and they may even start asking for desert. That is a big clue that they need a meal. So the point is that it is important to be honest about my shortcomings and make allowances for them so that no one has to starve or spend the night in the washer.  But if they do, I'll know how to handle that.
Elizabeth Williams 1,000 words a day.