New Year Thing

I’m a bit down. This new year thing has gotten me down. I wasn’t sure that it would but it has. I’m burying my grief. I’m trying to cover it up. I’m hiding inside of me the truth that I bear everyday. In the daytime I keep it together for the others but in the mornings in my private time I focus on other things. I feel this weight weighing me down. Pushing me down. So I can’t be grateful. Grateful. I was going to do a gratefulness every day but I can’t. It is really hard. It’s not that I’m not grateful. I truly am. I can’t get beyond the silence. The loneliness. The living without you. I know, I know. They say you are all around me. But I just want to see you come so elegantly through the back door and stand so tall in my doorway, calling out to me with your waterfall voice. That’s what I want. I want that so badly. I want to observe your long thin fingers and see that engaging smile interested in everything I do and making plans together for spring. It’s hard that it’s going to be another year without you. It just starts coming out in my typing and I don't plan it. I was going to write gratitudes but it's not happening. I can't see you nor hear you nor feel your touch, my beautiful daughter, and it's a new year again, and it's not better, it's worse.

Freedom is Liberating

Freedom is liberating.
It’s true.
So many things don’t matter any more
since Jesus set me free.
I don’t care about the small stuff
like I used to,
I just want to love the people.
I want them to shine.
I want to help them have a good day.
Freedom is so liberating.

I am not the tail, but the head.

Deuteronomy 28:13

And the Lord will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath…

Beautiful scripture.

Desire of the Lord.

His will.

We should not be beneath,

oppressed,

beaten down,

but above.

Not over others

oppressing them.

But above the place of the oppressed.

Not down

making it convenient for the oppressor,

above that.

Up

by the head,

no,

the actual head.

We are the head,

thinking,

reasoning,

learning,

leading,

kind.

Feeding our intellect.

Not smashed,

put low.

Not obedient,

mild.

Strong and leading.

The tail does not think,

but shows feeling.

The expression of the body.

The head influences health,

wealth,

character.

We are more than tails.

We are heads.

Fully aware,

responsible.

Some may want us to bow down,

living in fear

and contrition.

Not the Lord.

Not His will.

We have everything we need,

for life and god likeness.

Like gods,

creative,

we motivate,

lead.

His will.

Take it, use it.

No more tails are we

but whole.

Using our gifts,

we think.

Not joining a mindless culture,

gratifying the whims of society,

feeding the belly

with brightly colored, tasty poison.

We have knowledge.

We know what is good,

keeping our minds active, alive.

Being the head.

Thinking:

is it good for me?

Will it make me strong?

Will it be healing?

Will it be nourishing?

Questioning all,

what I eat,

where I go,

who are my friends,

what shall I learn,

how can I help,

is there more that I can be?

The will of the Lord

for us who want it.

For us who say;

I am not the tail,

but the head.

Day 5 of the 500 words 30 days: A day I will never forget.

Today’s lesson is about describing a day I will never forget. Do it as a free write in my morning pages and early. I am early, not as early as some days but it is still early and I’m alone, awake in the house. Mark is at work and Chloe is sleeping. I am thinking hard and quickly while I type for that one memorable day. I feel my mind wants to write about grief but I don’t feel ready yet. But when can I be safe to talk about these things? My life began on that day. From that moment all time became arranged by before that date or after that date. Before that day is still important. We all lived back then. We grew and struggled and loved and fought. We were sick and we got well. We had a vibrant full and precarious life back then. But that day changed it all for us since now we had to know what it was like to lose one of ourselves to cancer. It began in the early hours of the night as I lay on her, holding onto her wax like form. Something in me died as well. The pain came out of my mouth. Months and years of holding onto my emotions came out. She was as beautiful in death as she had been in life. But then here was her body finished, worn out broken and spent. Taken off and left behind like a garment. This body that I had cared for and cherished. I lay on top of her now that she was finished with it and had gone where I could not follow. Oh, how I longed to go with her. Or I could take her place and then she could continue to live and be the life of the party. Keeping her siblings in order and being the brightness in the lives of her friends. I left her there. Her husband was waiting for me to leave him alone with her. He was broken. I thought I knew a lot about things until this moment. He said he would take care of things. The others were waiting to take me home where I could sleep. For them it was over now and they were all exhausted. The trance had begun. I don’t know how to explain it but there was nothing on my inside. I was moving and talking but I was gone on the inside. Nothing could have prepared me for this just as nothing can really prepare us for the joy at new life. And it is very hard to describe the insides when you look at that little one, so fragile and so helpless yet so alive, in your arms. That ability to create a whole new human is beyond spiritual. The loss of that one no matter how many years later is unquestionably the most difficult challenge of all. Yet it isn’t a challenge. That was not the right word. It is task. No it’s not a task either. Event. Thing that happened to me. Well actually it happened to her, my beautiful daughter. But it also happened to me because a piece of me died with her. With every child born is a new creation inside of me. A new part who now loves this one and nurtures and hopes and teaches and cherishes. The physical care and the emotional care. All of it becomes a part of who I am. Like an island in the soul of Riley in the movie “Inside Out”. Each of my children are an island, a part of me. Yet not so fragile as the islands in Riley. Much more permanent than that. Each of my children have a whole section of my control room. The switchboard belongs to them. It is what connects us together. As the child grows that part of the switchboard changes and each change is painful and challenging. Then one dies. And that part of the switchboard is now silent. That silence fills my head. Fills my soul as though it were the only switchboard in the control room. All the other boards have become dim and my attention is riveted on the silence. It is as though I don’t exist. I don’t know how to walk or eat or when to sleep. How to do all the things I ever did. I turn my back to the rest of the room and wait for the silence to end. I take tons of pictures. I post them to her face book page and read and reread her emails to me. I want to set her up on the walls of my house but I’m becoming weak and my joints ache. I can’t dress properly or even take my showers. I can’t go into the store to buy food or all the other places I used to go. When I see another human my mouth opens and her life comes gushing out. How wonderful she was, how courageous, how beautiful and smart. I slept the rest of that day until late afternoon. The struggle for Debbie is over. She is safe in her eternal place. I came downstairs and the place was full of people. My children, my friends, my in-laws. Friends had come and set up a table covered with food. I could not eat. My mother came escorted by the local sheriff. My mother is in her eighties so we were concerned. I went down the driveway to see what was going on. She was in tears. She was so small and lonely looking. The sheriff had found her to deliver to her the most difficult news she had received yet. My father died that day in New York. In a car accident not his fault. He had been hit when a car did not stop at a stop sign. He was going home to Canada. He was in his eighties. He had brought her to the airport in New York so that she could be here with me. The details pressed into my head but the room was taken up with the silence and I had no room for more. But my mother needed me. My brother, who was with us, and I helped my mother make arrangements and get on a plane to go back to her home where my sister is. She looked at me before she left. I knew it would be the last time I would see her. “I have to bury my daughter,” I said. “You have to go and take care of Dad.” She wanted to stay but knew that she had to go. And so the darkness settled in over me. The darkness of taking care of the things in front of me while the inside is completely silent. This darkness settled in. Yet, after nearly five years the light has begun to shine again for me. I am writing my way through. Finding healing in the little things.

Gratitude - 7 My Writing Teachers

I'm grateful for my writing teachers.  No, I'm not in school, although at times it seems so.  I still have teachers.  Teachers are those who instruct me whether they know it or not.  I have taken online college courses and may consider that again someday, but for now my training is informal to say it best.  There is Kristi Holl and her emails and blog posts and the work she does with the Institute of Children's Literature.  There is Preslaysa Williams whom I follow on her blog and face book page.  Then there is Jeff Goins who provides so much that you have to choose by priority.  There are numerous authors on face-book and blogs.  There are community events and author meets locally.  Not to mention actual books to read.  All of these hold the standard high for me.  Then there are my dear friends and family who tirelessly boost my self-esteem.  My writing group is right in there as well.  Where would I be without all these teachers?  Just today I read about the attitude of an apprentice being that of humility, the hard work of the journeyman and the high standards of the Masters.  Then I read another article about the balance between contentment with where I'm at and striving to grow.  This all leads me to say that I'm grateful for my writing teachers and that it can only go up from here.  It doesn't matter that I have so little formal education now because in the world we live in we have access to as many teachers as we want as long as we have the desire to learn.  So for now I am content in the position of apprentice and I'm grateful for all those who give so much to my instruction.

Gratitude - Day 6 I'm grateful for my washing machine.

I'm grateful for my washing machine.  Today I'm cooking blueberry pancakes while my washing machine is washing the light colored clothes.  It has prominent sounds of humming and whirring and of running water and splishy splashy water.  It sings as I turn the pancakes, pour the batter and dot them with blueberries.  I know by the sounds where it is in it's cycle.  It takes about as long to do it's job as it takes me to cook these pancakes up.

It hasn't always been this easy to wash clothes.  For most of history clothes were washed outdoors in rivers and lakes, in the warm months, and only if soiled.  In the winter, socks and undergarments were washed and hung around the stove or fireplace to dry.  Poor folks washed clothes in the evening and hung them to dry by morning.  They were washed by hand in a small amount of water.  Scrubbed together between knuckles.  Some women had wash boards and special tubs also used for bathing.

I wished for a wash board once.  Getting laundry washed for four lively little children was a daunting task even with a washing machine.  When the machine broke I tried to wash the clothes in the bath tub.  After a few loads my knuckles were sore and cracked.  Their weren't quarters at that time for the laundromat.

Most of us have been there, stepping back into the past temporarily just to get a job done.  Getting a few clothes washed this way gave me an understanding of why children could be in trouble for soiling their clothes.

When there were quarters for the laundromat, we filled the trash can with clothes and detergent and wheeled it down the street to go and get the job done.  Though I was grateful for the quarters and the laundromat at that time, I am even more grateful today for my washing machine.

500 Words 31-days - Day 1

This is a challenge to write 500 words per day for 30 days. Now I know that I don’t actually need a challenge to write 500 words per day, so that is not why I’m interested in this. I’m writing a lot more than that each day because I love sitting here at my computer typing whatever comes to my fingers. So what I’m really interested in getting out of this is the education. I have the habit of writing, now I want the training. I’m looking at this course as a type of training in channeling my writing. Training for my mind. Training in subject writing. Pushing me a little further with each day. I may not do the days consecutively because I already have a pretty full schedule but I will work consistently on this. It will be like those art challenges where you have to draw, sketch, paint etc, a certain thing each day. It is meant to get you drawing and challenge you to go outside of your comfort level. So this is why I am starting the 500 words 30 days challenge.

I will be doing several things now. I am working daily on my Elsie book. Forging ahead with the illustrations. I am also working on a gratitude journal which I’m including in my blog. I am working on the Intentional Blogging course, also by Jeff Goins. I am looking at a monthly drawing challenge as well. This is all on top of homemaking, homeschooling and life. So I like to cram it in. I am living a colorful life no matter what it feels like. Sometimes I look around me and the colors have all blended together into one grayish brown mess and I feel weighed down by the lack of color. I see colors more vibrantly in others lives. Yet I think that may all be an illusion. Because really, I’m writing a book and illustrating another and doing several little challenges and all the other fun stuff, if that’s not colorful then I don’t know what is. I think it may be the discipline required and the long lonely hard working days invested in these projects that makes it feel that way. Or maybe it’s just the dust covering everything. One girl just can’t do everything. I did forget to mention that during school days I am working on a self course in calligraphy. It has really helped me in the self control of my hand. I’m really pleased with my progress and will continue to pursue that craft as I can only see it as a benefit.

So this is day one of the 500 words challenge with Jeff Goins.

I’m not on the same day as everyone else who is on this course but that does not bother me. One thing I have learned over the last few chapters of my life is to not cheat myself out of sleep. Sleep is the reason I am well and my mind functions. So I don’t work into the night. I go to bed at 9:30 pm and get up at 6 am. All my work has to happen between 6 am and 9:00 pm. Notice the half hour for getting ready and stuff. You can follow me on this 500 word challenge if you want to. You can also sign up for it yourself. I am including the link. http://goinswriter.com/my500words/ Either way you can leave me a comment below to let me know how you are doing. Follow along on Facebook as well if you like.

There are currently 2293 other Bloggers in this challenge.

http://my500words.com/participants/

Gratitude Day 5

January 1st, 2016.
Today I'm grateful for my computer.  More specifically Skype, Facebook, Messenger and now I have Instagram.  I used to feel isolated from my family.  I lived far away from everyone and much of the time I didn't have a phone.  By far away, I mean that I was in a different country from the rest of my family.  Even after my youngest brother moved to the States, he still lived a few states West of me.  Spending time together meant travel to far away places which takes a lot of time and money.  Now my children have homes of their own and children of their own and some live clear across the country, yet I feel close to them because of instruments such as Skype, Messenger, Facebook and Instagram.  Every day I can have some contact with my children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces and nephews.  I'm grateful for that.  Reaching out to each other and being there is so much easier now.  I don't feel isolated any more, I feel very much connected.

New Year, New Day, New Month. Resolutions

 People make new resolutions for the new year but it is not really any different from any other day. You wake up and do what you do. If you didn’t do it yesterday then you probably won’t do it today. You should probably make a resolution at a completely different time of year and see if it sticks. What I find works the best is if I want to make a change in my routine, then I make that change and challenge myself for a month or so and see if the habit sticks. If it is a good thing then it will usually take hold and stay with me. But if it is not a good thing, for example, it may not be feasible or too exhausting. You will know soon enough and then you can modify the change. You have to keep your life doable, or manageable.

If you want to lose weight, and many people do, really, then you can’t approach that like a resolution. Weight gain is not a fault or something, it’s a health issue. People feel guilty about their weight as though they did something bad to get it. Like carrying around a bad note. You think you’ll just have to put it down. Quitting smoking can’t be resoluted away either. It comes from a mental capacity and so does weight loss. One has to change their whole understanding about themselves and the health of their body in order to lose weight and stay healthy and also to quit smoking. This is why New Years resolutions don’t work and neither do diets.

One thing that helps is to make a change, any change, for the better at any time. Not on a certain day. It could be on a Tuesday, or a fourteenth or twenty-first, or a month in the middle of the year. You aren’t going to get any attention for it. Anytime you decide to change who you are you are going to go through all the pains of becoming someone else. You can’t resolve to be someone else. You are you and you are the sum of your habits and thoughts. They form you and become you. You can decide that in the new year, I’m going to eat less, quit smoking, write more, keep the house cleaner, lose weight and walk more and be someone I would really like to be. Some one else, not me. Definitely not me. Me is all mixed up and overweight and lazy and tired. And I don’t want to be that someone that I am. But I don’t want to change anything really. I’m not going to get up earlier and walk everyday and do yoga and extras. I just want the personality change without the hard work or the effort. That’s what I want and I’m going to do it on New Years day. That’s when I’m going to start being someone else. I’m not going to change any habits really. I’m just going to claim the fame of change. But no, I’m not giving up anything. I’m going to be me and do everything I already do and eat what I want and tell the world that I have resolutions. I’ll tell you this. If you don’t do it on any other day then why would you do it on the most difficult day of the year.

New Years is one of the most difficult days because you aren’t on schedule. You are tired from staying up past midnight and possibly even hung over. Your house is probably a disaster from the holidays and now you want to start some thing new. Maybe you’ll spend the day moving that tired hung over body around washing dishes and picking up trash if you even manage to get out of bed. You will probably break every resolution before the day is over. So I would suggest that if you want to change something about yourself then you better take one little step at a time and change the thoughts that produced the result that you’re hoping to change. 

 Maybe unhappy negative thoughts produced a bad feeling about yourself that resulted in negative outcomes. Like being overweight, tiredness or smoking. Maybe these things have gotten the way they are because you talk badly to yourself. You just may want to change that first. Let everything else go for now and start changing the way you think about yourself. Start entertaining hopeful thoughts and positive feelings about you. Take sides against the voice inside of you the pushes you down and condemns you and sneers at you. That voice that negates your feelings. Who knows where that voice came from but it hasn’t helped you be where you want to be in life. No, because now you are at New Years Day and you wish you were different than you are. So just decide today, what ever day it is. To think nice, good, comforting thoughts about yourself. If there is something you really need to change about yourself you will find the courage from a perspective of kindness toward yourself. You will get the strength to make different choices about what you do with your body and what you put in your body when you entertain healing, hopeful and helpful thoughts.

If you can’t manage to change your thoughts then talk to yourself out loud. Talk kindly and comfortingly. Don’t lay expectations and guilt onto yourself and ruin that great opportunity you have to be the best version of yourself. From those thoughts will come all the changes you so greatly desire. But they will come gradually and surely. Your thoughts will be your change. Love your self and you will become lovely.