New Year Thing

I’m a bit down. This new year thing has gotten me down. I wasn’t sure that it would but it has. I’m burying my grief. I’m trying to cover it up. I’m hiding inside of me the truth that I bear everyday. In the daytime I keep it together for the others but in the mornings in my private time I focus on other things. I feel this weight weighing me down. Pushing me down. So I can’t be grateful. Grateful. I was going to do a gratefulness every day but I can’t. It is really hard. It’s not that I’m not grateful. I truly am. I can’t get beyond the silence. The loneliness. The living without you. I know, I know. They say you are all around me. But I just want to see you come so elegantly through the back door and stand so tall in my doorway, calling out to me with your waterfall voice. That’s what I want. I want that so badly. I want to observe your long thin fingers and see that engaging smile interested in everything I do and making plans together for spring. It’s hard that it’s going to be another year without you. It just starts coming out in my typing and I don't plan it. I was going to write gratitudes but it's not happening. I can't see you nor hear you nor feel your touch, my beautiful daughter, and it's a new year again, and it's not better, it's worse.