There is a lot of love in a Grandma

I began to notice a hesitation in moving forward with my book. I was excited about it and did all the set up. I started a file and wrote out the synopsis. Then I made an outline. I compiled these and printed them out as if I were sending it to a publisher. I made a character sheet for all the characters and printed them out. During my research of the process I found a self-publishing site on Amazon where a person can publish books whenever they want. It is awesome to think that I don’t have to mess with the big guys because I’m quite timid and lack confidence. So I was happy to find the on-line site. I am a Prime member with Amazon and sell used books through them and I like how they work. I became bolder about my writing and illustrating this book after reading instructions from a published author who has used the amazon system. I began to think of myself as a successful published author. Now this is a good thing, not bad. One should reach for the stars. One should feel deep down inside and live that out. All the positives of that feeling should be pushed to the surface. Then one should set up their life around that to make it happen.

"I don't want to hear whining about how it's so difficult. Oh, I don't tolerate any of that because most of the people who've ever written are under enormous duress, myself being one them. So whining about how they can't get it is ridiculous. What I can do very well is what I used to do, which is edit. I can follow their train of thought, see where their language is going, suggest other avenues. I can do that, and I can do that very well."
-- Toni Morrison from an interview with Zia Jaffrey, "The Salon Interview With Toni Morrison," Salon.com (February 1998)

“most of the people who've ever written are under enormous duress, myself being one them” I can’t stop thinking about this because a writing lifestyle doesn’t really fit in, even though it does. It only does because I make it fit. Making it fit has changed everything for me. I now get up in the morning and write. I do the other stuff after I have written. It wouldn’t fit at all, any other way. Writing must come first. I did stop during writing this to fill up my cup of coffee. Yesterday I forgot to get my first cup of coffee until I was almost finished with my writing. That was amazing to me because it shows me how much I’ve changed since I started writing in the mornings. I just put a load of laundry in as well because then I can hang it up when I’m finished writing, and that works. I used to not be able to do very much at all in the mornings but lately I’ve been starting my day at six. Gradually I feel more anxious in my body to move about and do things earlier in the day. I can’t sit and waste the morning any more, or sleep through it. Things are changing for me. I’m waking up. My husband is doing less and less for me and I’m taking back my duties one by one. I penned up my birds the other day and he gave me a look that said that maybe I didn’t need him anymore. I know he wasn’t thinking that, but maybe he was thinking that I didn’t think he was doing it right. You can’t blame a guy for having a thought like that, after all I’ve put him through. He said he would have done it and asked why I did it. I simply told him that I would like to start taking on my responsibilities again and that if I didn’t he could but soon I would like to be taking care of all my stuff. I thanked him for always being there for me and taking over when I couldn’t. Earlier in the year I had started getting up before he leaves for work and letting my birds out. Now I water my plants and feed the cat, before I go back in the house. Then I write at least 1,000 words. It has changed me. I am writing that many words more and more quickly and the words just keep coming. When I’m finished I feel that anything is possible. One author I read about shared that she writes in spurts and puts nose to the grindstone to get a book finished, her husband writes consistently for one hour a day and puts out just as many books as she does. Life doesn’t have to clear out for a job to get done. It just takes a little time each day. In all my enthusiasm for being a published author I became overwhelmed. I began to be intimidated. I’m sure I’m not actually good enough. My illustrations are putting up a huge road block. I began to lose the momentum for my book. I was starting to judge myself as manic and mentally unstable. I started to feel embarrassed about all the paper with doodles and drawing tryouts on them scattered all over the dining room table. I have two fridges full of corn to get into the freezer and peas to shell and a load of beans to snap, blanch and freeze and the house is not taken care of. All of this began to weigh heavy on me and I could see myself putting all those papers and outline into a box and packing it away for a time in the future when the time will be just right. Another idea partially worked through, set aside. I have a lot of them. Then I spoke to my son. I told him I was writing and illustrating a children’s book about the little rabbits I knitted for the kids at Easter. I told him I was struggling with the illustrations. He became excited and asked me if he could tell his little girl that her rabbit is going to be in a picture book. I’ve been thinking about that. His faith in me and his excitement for something I am doing. It blew me away and I’m getting this passion in me to give her that book and make sure that her little rabbit is in it. And put ‘for Olivia’ in the beginning, printed. My inspiration has been from Chloe, she got all this going, but I will make this book for Olivia, and Stephan, and Loralei, and Isaac and Larry and Elijah and Chloe who has given me my childhood back and Joanna and Andrea and Carl, who bring these perfect little people into our world. And Debbie who will read it from Heaven and watch the process first hand. I will do this for them and put their names in it. It will be a gift to my children and grandchildren. Doing it for any other reason is just not working. The world is too intimidating for me. But doing it for them is just a Grandma making a picture book for her kids. And there is a lot of love in a Grandma.

Written by Elizabeth Williams.  1,224 words.